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By Dr Rayleigh Joy, Director of The Groundworks Lab

At The Groundworks Lab, we see every day that separation isn’t just legal—it’s emotional, psychological, and often deeply destabilising. For many families, it becomes a complex, painful journey through grief, identity, power struggles, and fear.

Dr Rayleigh Joy is developing a new workshop that explores these dynamics through a surprising but powerful lens: Breaking Bad and the Hero’s Journey.

This is for anyone working in the family law ecosystem—therapists, ICLs, lawyers, report writers, case managers—who wants to engage more deeply with the real story beneath separation.

Download the overview: Breaking Apart: What Breaking Bad Can Teach Us About Separation, Power and the Psychology of Conflict

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My wolfpack, a name I secretly use to describe my close-knit group of women friends, is foundational to my own sense of okay-ness.  We have nurtured each other for over ten years through relationship ups and downs, messy breakups, mothering moments, grieving the death of a parent, new careers, building businesses, times of emotional angst and joy. We share, we are honest and we care deeply for one another. These are my people.

Mantras of positive psychology tell us that we can choose happiness. But the reality is that my own compass may sometimes not work no matter how hard I try, and I lose this sense of choice.  My friends can help re-set my compass. They come armed not with criticism or advice (well not too much anyway), but with compassion, empathy, unwavering love and sometimes food and a good bottle of wine. The benefits of the loving bonds I have with a close knit group of friends are like always having access to a warm hug and safe place to land.

Studies tell us the five things most important to our mental wellbeing are (i) being healthy, (ii) exercising the brain, (iii) mindfulness, (iv) bathing in nature and (v) connection to meaningful friendships.

Life can be busy but prioritising these deep connections helps your very kind endocrine system dump oxytocin and endorphins into your bloodstream. Remember, with your friends, to:

• Celebrate: organise a get together and celebrate the friendship or an achievement of a wolfpack member.
• Acknowledge: Send a special message. It could be by text, card or email with no purpose other than to cherish them.
• Support: think about how you can help, build confidence, make things a bit easier, collaborate, contribute to their wellbeing and success.

Go roam with your wolfpack!

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If you have children, or know any, here is an illustration of the difference. Management is like taking the kids to school each weekday. Leadership is like changing the kids’ school.

Taking the kids to school is a pre-determined process. A pre-determined process is governed by managers. Discipline is needed. Consistency and dependability are important. Organisational skills are critical. The people you manage may be familiar with the process, but blending their efforts in an effective and efficient way requires skill, patience and coaching. Your people skills are invaluable. If you have ever tried to take a couple of fighting kids to school, you will know exactly what I mean!

Changing the kids’ school is, hopefully, not something we do as a matter of course. It is usually an unfamiliar, momentous action. It breaks new ground. When you have to move outside a familiar envelope, a leader is needed. There is change and newness. People may doubt that what you suggest can be done. They may question why it should be done at all. Resistance or apathy may feature among those that look to you for leadership. Have you ever tried asking your children to move school? Your skills in translating an idea into organisational energy are essential here.

Many career paths move through management and then into leadership. Conversely, entrepreneurship often starts with self-leadership and may follow through with management. We often see that good managers become good leaders. Perhaps curiously, good leaders have a lower success rate at becoming good managers. But that is a discussion for another day.

You can be a manager, a leader or both. But know the difference and know what resonates with you.

The photo shows a herd of elephants guiding a baby elephant (all you can see is her trunk!) across a crocodile-infested, rapidly-rising river with a quickening current in Botswana. Not quite taking her to school, or changing schools, but certainly a memorable learning experience either way, for elephants and us humans. Nature’s blending of leadership and managerial skills on display in a team. The outcome – she got across safely.

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The level of hurt, anger, fear, angst and sadness that sits in my therapy room when these big guns take up residence is palpable. I am often left without a single idea of how to bring even just the slightest hint of love, intimacy, kindness or mutuality into the space that sits between the couple seated before me and yet that is precisely the task at hand. I frequently feel as if I need to operate in stealth mode so as to outwit the toxic but steadfast pattern of attack (sometimes silent but deadly nonetheless) that envelopes the couple. In these times, I share the overwhelming pull to ‘just give up’. What is clear is that simple sorry’s are not going to cut it anymore, clever strategies can momentarily shift the ‘furniture’ so to speak, but still the embodiment of hurt, disappointment and hopelessness often creeps its way back into the couple’s world. It is at this point that I as a therapist and a woman who has experienced this murky sea of hope and hopelessness, am tempted to abandon the mission. But I am also aware of what is possible, what is needed and what enormous amounts of vulnerability and courage is needed to go on

First of all – Abandonment – fear of, avoidance of, anxiety of- is the Mt Everest of relationship angst. If we abandon ourselves in relationships – emotionally, financially, spiritually or in regards to self-care and management we by proxy project this abandonment onto our partners. They become responsible for our sense of being worthy, loved, contained and safe. There is of course a difference between mutual respect and support and being able to count on your partner for assistance, and pardon for poor behaviour at times. What I am alluding to is a patterned set of manipulations, that may take the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling to gain approval, a sense of belonging and being loved. This is the stuff of attachment that stems from our childhoods, a whole other topic. Long story short, the patterned ways we develop to maintain closeness to our caregivers in our formative years set down our way relating to others in adulthood, especially our intimate relationships. Of course, if we had some challenges in our childhood, and we all did, survival patterns that we adopted in childhood can go on to have an unhelpful grip on us, especially if we are not aware. Signposts that may alert you to some of these are things like having a tendency to judge yourself as a means of driving yourself to achieve so others will like and respect you? This self-judgement is arguably useful when there is awareness in tact but when it’s meandering about in our psyche unfettered, it can come with lashings of anxiety and fears of not being good enough and a constant seeking or demanding for approval. The tricky part is that often these anxieties and fears are projected onto our unsuspecting partners who aren’t aware (how can they be if we aren’t either). So the seemingly small stuff, like putting the dishes in the sink, unknowingly becomes a sign of respect and the list goes on – think about your own. When do you seem to have disproportionate responses to things?  Small things such as putting dishes in the dishwasher, putting clothes away and so forth, become metaphors (albeit hidden and unclarified) for love and respect and signs of being good enough. It is little wonder we can end up feeling misunderstood, confused, sad and/or mad.

 What’s my point? Taking care of ourselves is key to having successful relationships. We really do need to take care of our finances, our time, our health and well being. It really isn’t our partner’s responsibility to assume financial responsibility for us. Nor is it our partner’s job to clean up after us, or act as our personal assistant or even manage our health – it’s our responsibility. We are getting into the territory of ‘taking for granted’ here. Relationally it is important that we develop a capacity to have a voice, to speak about our needs, the really deep ones that can make us feel uncomfortable. Of course, it’s useful to have engaged in some self-introspection so what we ‘voice’ is not yet again unprocessed defences or self-protection mechanisms against fears of not being good enough or being abandoned or unloved or fears of rejection.

If our intent in a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, is to get love and respect rather than share, we will inevitably become reliant upon our partner for emotional safety, emotional stability, approval and efficacy. This may be experienced by our partners as burdensome and create imbalance. The development of self-efficacy, yes – self-love and awareness, is key to sustaining a loving relationship. While self-abandonment tends to leave us feeling unfulfilled, and reliant on others to fill us up (the trick being of course no one can actually ever do this); self-love creates foundational safety and security within. We can self soothe, we are better able to suspend judgements and afford space for mutuality, we can more readily recognise our defensive responses and we can voice our needs, desires, concerns more authentically and with compassion. It is from here that our capacity to give and receive love is optimised and we are better positioned to share love and life.

Dr Rayleigh Joy, The Groundworks Lab

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Pain is a message from our bodies or from our hearts that something is wrong. If we never stop and listen to it, how can we really make anything better? How can we learn from it?

Eight things I learned from pain (also known as suffering):

1. When we acknowledge that it’s there instead of trying to “think positive” or be happy and will it away, we feel better faster.

Ironic, no? I love how Pema Chodron sums it up:

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a crap and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

Hello shitty day. Hello pain. Yes, you’re here. I don’t like you, but this is what it is right now and instead of cutting myself off from the present moment by pretending otherwise, I’m going to sit down and have a cup of tea with you and look you in the eye.

2. When we try to avoid feeling something, it doesn’t leave.

That anger that is stuck in your throat isn’t going anywhere unless you deal with it. That sadness that you keep trying to eat away, drink away, shop away or even throw happy Youtube videos at would be better dealt with by giving it mindful attention, a good cry and acknowledgement that it’s there. You can’t go somewhere else and then begin to deal with your pain. You have to start where your pain is.

3. Physical and emotional pain can be useful.

One usually brings the other with it. Sometimes it’s tough to tell which one came first. The great thing about the mind-body connection is, if you sit and deal with one, you are dealing with both. If I deal with my emotional pain, I will notice physical aches and pains peak, and then subside. If I deal with my physical pain—acknowledge and treat my body with kindness—my mood will improve too.

4. Acknowledging pain and wallowing in self-pity are two different things.

You know it, and I know it. We know the difference between being honest about the difficulty of the present moment, and cuddling up with self pity.  Self pity is closed-off, self-centered and is about replaying your hurts and picking at your wounds. Acknowledging pain is about opening up, without resistance, and staying open.

 5. Hugs and music are incredibly transformative.

Maybe it’s something else for you. But for me, when I feel horrible, desperately sad, mad and momentarily nihilistic, a nice long hug really helps. This isn’t about escaping from pain. This is about the things that help us as we sit with pain. The warmth of a hug, time with a friend, a quiet place makes it easier to stay present.

6. Pain is the ultimate teacher of patience and impermanence.

It’s temporary. This too shall pass is not trite, it’s true. We don’t like to remember that when good stuff is going on. When we sit with our pain, it’s the best time to connect with that knowledge of impermanence. It hurts right now. It hurts like hell. It didn’t hurt yesterday. It might not hurt tomorrow. I can be okay with the fact that right now is painful, in part because I know it won’t last.

7. Anger turned inward becomes depression.

Want to be depressed? Suppress your pain, suppress your anger, instead of dealing with it head on. What is it about physical and emotional pain that makes us angry sometimes? Do we feel like it’s unjust? Like we don’t deserve it? Pleasure is available to all of us. Life is full of simple and complex pleasures. We accept that readily. We need to also accept and acknowledge the dark and difficult parts of life. (And P.S. the pleasure is so much sweeter when we do. If we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel everything, we cannot fully experience anything.)

8. Being strong isn’t about being impervious to pain.

I’ll say it again another way: We aren’t strong because pain doesn’t affect us. We are strong because we let the pain affect us. We feel it fully. We open up and acknowledge it. Fearlessness isn’t being a brick wall in the face of pain. Fearlessness and strength isn’t a calm facade that doesn’t allow pain to touch us. It’s the opposite. Our strength is in our raw, broken-open reality.

Don’t push it away. Don’t look away from it. Listen to it.

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As a professional within the human sciences there is a certain level of tolerance for messiness –  Life is Messy – is a mantra within the field. I am interested in messy topics but I also have a strong desire to clean up the mess, make it tidy, understandable and predictable. However, my gut and my experience with high conflict separations, tells me that the messiness extends beyond the individual, beyond the family, beyond the extended family and spews forth (in a kind of circular motion) into the systems that must ultimately and officially, reconfigure the mess. Enter: the legal /psy nexus.

The overall and ever present themes that arise when I conduct family report interviews are stories of suffering, grief and loss, frustration, hopelessness and fear. A real sense of being stripped back bare emerges along with all the associated responses and reactions to such vulnerability – anger, frustration, hopelessness, deep sadness, fear and a sometimes an unacknowledged desire for justice in the form of retribution. This is a territory that has the potential to escalate into a whirlwind of emotion that resembles a war zone where the most vulnerable, children, are taken hostage.

It is at this point, commonly labelled as a “high conflict matter” in the family law arena, that the rules of engagement are articulated. It’s here that perhaps the messiness can, and should, be tidied up; that collectively the psy/legal nexus players can don their life-jackets, instruction manuals, wizardry and cleverness and sort the mess – readily providing a raft of safety to parents and children. Frustratingly, yet not surprisingly, this is not how most episodes of “Psy-Legal Rescue” end.

The power of the legal system is a two-edged sword. Family law imperatives are adversarial and procedural. The legal system can determine parenting arrangements with the intention of providing stability to a family undertaking enormous changes however, we also know that such directives do not necessarily result in compliance or obedience let alone quality outcomes. Orders are contravened, disputes escalate and allegations of parental incapacity roll in like waves on the ocean (see above reference to Psy-Legal Rescue – what a show it would be). Referrals are made to psy based practitioners with the hope that their skills will abate the waves of fear, anger and frustration that feed the conflict. Moreover, we are also asked to manage the children who are stuck in an untenable position where conflict insidiously impacts on their capacity to trust, connect and make sense of their crumbling world. Importantly, many parents can and do manage post-separation arrangements really well.

Individuals and families that successfully re-configure their post-separation identity seem to display key features such as a holding a sense of worthiness, courage and compassion to self and others. They display a willingness to let go of who they thought they should be, how their life should be and the projection of responsibility to others (typically their ex-partner). There is a quality to the separating process that holds courage to accept individual and others imperfections and even more intrinsically, a willingness to experience the full extent of the vulnerability inherent. There is an ability to ‘do’ vulnerability with a level of acceptance as if the discomfort that comes with it is to be expected and even necessary for the re-integration to occur. There is a willingness to engage in a process where there are ultimately no guarantees: a process where the child/ren is freed from the responsibility of absorbing the parental conflict and permitted to maintain their connectedness to both parents and family. It is in these circumstances that the psy/legal nexus is most useful and ameliorative.

High conflict families lack the above capacities. As psy practitioners charged with working with such families, it is indisputably apparent that what is most needed under these conditions is the clear recognition that the most vulnerable party must not be positioned as leverage in ‘peace talks’. Ongoing conflict is unequivocally harmful to children; what is even more harmful is the positioning of children as the site for change. There is a big difference between children participating in therapy to support them emotionally and mentally as their family changes and receiving what can be described as combat strategies to manage their parents’ difficult, confusing and harmful patterns of relating. Indeed, if this were to be viewed via a child protection lens, it would most likely be considered emotional harm. The burden of consequence or responsibility in high conflict family separations must not lie with children but rather with the adults with the psy/legal nexus remaining steadfast on this position.

The current paradigm where this drama (Psy-Legal Rescue) is set, aims to determine the truth, or, at least, who is the most right and who is the most wrong. What we know about people though is that the more vulnerable people feel, the more afraid they can become (of losing, of feeling shame, disconnected and alone), and this induces more blame, disconnection and unreasonableness. The unfortunate outcome of this can be a positioning of children as key points of negotiation, like a piece of property. If we are ever to improve this damaging consequence and really support the best interests of children, we must ensure the focus remains on the adults. Adults need to learn how to lean into the vulnerability of their unfolding experiences, suspend their compulsion to react, defend and win the war. This will involve enduring loss, feeling the feelings of loss and processing the fall out of loss. We are adamant, that the parents must bear the brunt of this journey, not the child – who never asked to be part of it, did not cause it, cannot control it and should not be subjected to a disproportionate amount of the fallout.

Dr Rayleigh Joy, The Groundworks Lab, Susan De Campo, Lifecare Consultancy

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